When Birth Doesn’t Go as Expected
For most new moms, birth is an intangible concept to wrap their brains around. Having never experienced anything like it, we look for anything to compare it to. Perhaps we have broken a bone in the past, or had major dental work done. Surely, birth cannot be more painful or traumatic than these types of experiences.
What we often fail to recognize though is that birth is more than a physiological process. The hormonal shift, along with the enormous change in your daily routine and almost all relationships in your life that come along with having a baby, are simply incomparable to any other experience you will have in life
We often find ourselves waiting to “recover” and “go back to how things were” after having a baby, like we have after past challenges. However, because of the vastness and finality of motherhood, going back to our old selves completely is not possible. A new side of ourselves, the mother, grows to become part of our identity.
In the ideal world, this new side of ourselves blossoms over time as we come to experience and know our baby and ourselves in our new role. However, in reality, there are often roadblocks that impede this process, the birth experience being one of these. Even a birth that goes “smoothly” can feel scary and intense, and many births do not go smoothly. Often well-meaning family and friends offer condolences of “at least the baby is healthy”, but what about mom? She may appear healthy, but her mind may be replaying the birth over and over, revisiting those moments of question and fear.
Birth can happen in a million different ways, and affect the mother in just as many. So how do we truly prepare for birth? And how do we process our births in a way that brings us to a place of understanding and peace?
For many, it all starts with having a safe, understanding person/s to listen. Often, we need to work through the events that took place out loud, without judgment or interjection. Well-meaning words can sometimes trigger us or set us off course in our process of working through birth. Simple words of encouragement are enough, and just right, to offer to new mothers as they work through what just happened.
Sometimes, mothers are not ready to work through things right away. The immediate needs of their baby are before them, and focusing on those is what they can manage in the short-term. They may feel the innate need to work through the birth days, weeks, or even months later. However, if there are signs of anxiety and depression that seem to stem from the birth experience, offering to talk when they are ready (and truly listening) are important.
Some moms feel that talking about the birth is a burden to the listener, or that because baby arrived healthy, they are not justified in experiencing traumatic thoughts from the birth. Nothing could be further from the truth. Experiencing events that are out of our control often triggers feelings of uncertainty and fear within us. Adding in the responsibility to protect our babies and make the “right” choices for them only adds to these feelings.
Birth most often does not go as expected. Providing a calm, encouraging listening ear is one of the most important ways to help a new mother process their birth experience. Reaching out to a therapist who specializes in postpartum mothering is often a great next step, as well as speaking to your OB or doctor about best ways to cope. New moms often need a helping hand to ensure they are connected with the resources they need. Sometimes, we don’t receive the help needed from the first point of contact, but it is important to keep pursuing help until the right connection is made. For example, an OB may dismiss feelings of anxiety as normal, but if the mother does not feel right, follow up with a therapist for a second opinion. Contact Postpartum Support International at https://psichapters.com/mi/ to utilize their helpline and resources if needed.
